The most stressful event of my natural-born life

I was driving around to a couple of errands, when I felt a little tickle in my hair. Quick or highly paranoid readers can probably already guess what comes next.

This sensation has always caused me alarm, being the arachnoparanoid type, but it has always been harmless before. A slight readjustment of my sanguine coif. Not this time. No, this time a small figure was rapelling from my ear to my shoulder on a ghastly strand.

Yes, a spider. An avenger, perhaps, for all his kin whom I’d sent to the spider underworld, AKA the public wastewater treatment plant. He was a fearsome foe, measuring several millimetersinches across. Here’s an artist’s depiction of the escaped villain:

I’m pleased to report that I acquitted myself manfully in an impossible situation, and did not once squeal like a little girl as some eyewitnesses have shamefully prevaricated. Having reminded myself that I am an adult, particularly one who was, presently, operating a 2,500 lb motor vehicle at 55 mph, I ceased and desisted the assault and battery of my assailant and returned my attention to the road (which was now some distance to my left).

It was at this time that I considered pulling on to the shoulder careening into the nearby coal mine and destroying us both in a terrific fireball. I was sure that my half tank of gas cargo of black market, white phosphorus explosives would prove sufficient to spark a line of natural gas, perhaps killing a few bystanders and setting back the local economy, but indubitably saving thousands of future victims from grisly murder.

I knew I could end this predator’s spree of crime. I could be his last victim. All men die eventually, but too few die with honor…

Anyway, the rest is kinda boring and I guess it all worked out and I finished my errands and everything.

The spider drawing belongs to Allie Brosh of Hyperbole and a Half infamy. Incidentally, while grabbing the pic I learned that she’s updated that wonderful blog this morning for the first time in years, with one of the longest, funniest posts I’ve ever seen. Check it out.

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2 Responses to The most stressful event of my natural-born life

  1. Zeke says:

    I dunno…that link was a little dark fer me. Maybe you have to walk the darkest depths of depression to fully appreciate it.

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